Costco Chronicles

This is an improv blog, but this particular post isn’t about improv it’s about life, and life is used in improv so deal!

Okay, so today I unknowingly put on an invisibility cloak and walked around all see through-ee all day.

My boyfriends car was having tire issues and kept leaking air, but luckily those tire issues were covered under warranty at Costco. So we went on down to the Costco tire centre to have it looked at and fixed. We get there and there is one man ahead of us paying for his serviced tire and only one tire tech to be seen. So naturally we waited patiently as the dude finished up his bizznazz and the tire tech went into the “off limits” shop area to get the keys .  As we were waiting, this other guy (whom I’ll name Richard as he CLEARLY looked like a DICK)and his little meek looking wife come up to the counter and looked around,  stopping to make eye contact with both me and my boyfriend. We all just waited around with a common goal, and anticipated outcome. Or so we thought!

Richard started getting antsy as time passed, but he tried hard to look cool and calm in his relaxed fit eddie bauer jeans.  His jaw started clenching, revealing those weird little muscle lines that are reserved for people who chew lots of gum and male soap stars. He paced back and forth in his brown rockport loafers. Karen(I’ve name his meek looking wife, Karen) couldn’t take it(“it” being her husbands intensity)  and left into the main Costco area. So it was just me, my boyfriend Aaron, and Richard. Then a different tire tech came out to survey the waiting room, he had obviously just finished eating lunch as he still was kind of chewing. I’m going to go with left overs from the night before. Stir-fry maybe?

That’s when Richard did the unthinkable. The first thing you learn in school when waiting for a drink at the water fountain, or a stick in gym for floor hockey, or a cookie on cookie fridays. He budded in line. Richard was a “Budger”!! He just started firing questions to the tire tech, not even waiting for an answer, let alone giving Aaron or I the chance to say “Uh…Excuse me?!”  He stood there saying things like “My 2008 Volvo this… My 2008 Volvo that…” and “How long? How much? Is it you or that guy(pointing through the tiny service window at another tech) who’s going to do it?”

Aaron and I looked at each other, both of us wanting to say something, but we just couldn’t. Richard stood up there talking for like 10 minutes straight. He’d ask the most ridiculous questions too.

Example: Richard : So you only carry Micheline?

Tire tech: Yes sir, that’s our sponsored store brand.

Richard: Hmmm…. Okay… That’s all you carry?

Tire Tech: Yes.

Richard: (Beat) So no Good Year?

Tire Tech: No.

Richard: Okay let’s go with the Micheline.

Way to be an active consumer, Richard!

Waste of time. I think Richard started to feel mine and Aaron’s eyes burning into the back of his head because he started scratching his neck and mime chewing gum. Karen came back with contact solution and a box of energy bars. “Thanks babe.” Richard said. Karen was not a babe.

I started to fantasize about getting back at Richard for budding. I knew he drove a 2008 Volvo? No, vandalism is too illegal for my tastes. Maybe I could spill something on his obviously new North Face puffy vest? No that’s a nice vest…I know! I could get up and stand beside him, REALLY close, like all up in his personal space and say nothing until he does and then say “OH! You CAN see me?! See I thought I was invisible, because you totally just BUDDED us!!…“ Yeah! That’ll teach him! I’ll sarcasm the SHIT outta Richard! Haha it’ll be so good!!!

Yeah no, I’m a nerd. I did nothing. I waited patiently and politely until he left, and then we went up to the counter and presented the symptoms of Aaron’s Ford Windstar’s right front tire, like nothing had happened. We both left talking about what a jerk Richard was, but we both knew that nothing could or would be done about it. Boo.

P.S – On a side note, we were there to pick up our van the same time Richard and Karen were there to get their 2008 Volvo. When it came time to pay, Richard did the old “Oh, jeez Hun, I think I forgot my wallet??” bit as he padded himself down on all his pockets. Karen paid. Richard is a Dick.

Filed by lauren at January 5th, 2010
Tags: budgers, costco chronicles, improv is life, stupid people,

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